


Jared

by weirdy_w0nd3r



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Repetition, be careful, just a bunch of nasty themes mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:27:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21856039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weirdy_w0nd3r/pseuds/weirdy_w0nd3r
Summary: I wrote this a long time ago but in short, Jared realizes that he doesn't know Evan as well as he thought he did and has to come to terms with that fact.
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman
Comments: 1
Kudos: 25





	Jared

**Author's Note:**

> there's heavy themes in this, just in case you didn't notice the tags, so keep that in mind and stay safe kiddos

There were a few things in this world that he found terrifying, though he'd never like to admit it. Planes, large insects with fangs, being alone for a short while and being alone for a long while, to name a few. One of the most terrifying things to date was the way Evan showed emotion. How you could watch him one moment, watch as he laughed in utter delight. As his face contorted up into a smile so wide his eyes scrunch up. How he would curl into himself as his entire body shook and he threw a hand over his mouth to quiet the sounds. How you could watch him go from that to petrified in a matter of seconds. How his face could fall and panic could swirl into his eyes so quickly. How he dropped any and every ounce of relief he let himself have for that short moment of joy to let terror take him over. You could watch as he made himself small and drew back at the slightest touch. All in a matter of a few seconds. A moment of joy he let himself have come and pass.

Even worse was how similar the two were. How on one hand his face could scrunch up and his eyes would be lost to his cheeks as he tried desperately to hold back his joy with his hand. And how on the other hand he could fold in on himself as his face contorted into sobs. Sobs that wrecked his entire frame. Forced him to curl into himself and gasp for breath as tears rolled down his face one after the other. How he had his hand thrown over his mouth tightly as a last resort attempt to quiet himself.

It was scary how he could sit an memorize the way Evan expressed his emotions without realizing it. Watching his brows furrow down in confusion or worry. How his eyes gleamed with delight just as easily as they did loneliness. The small curve of a smile that poked at his face when he found something he was probably going to think about until he got home. He could watch emotions that were never hard to see. Quirked brows and tiny giggles and tears being blinked back and noses scrunching after a snort and a smile that had saved a life. Faces that he made that he didn't even realize. That could just as easily be identified from outside as ignored from inside. A million different quirks and reactions memorized over the years.

It was terrifying how one person could be in so many memories, so many thoughts, and still feel foreign. How he could spend so long memorizing every little feature for what it was and what it was worth. It was terrifying how even with all that there were things that could keep him up at night more. How no bad day or homework assignment or nasty fight he had could compare. Things that had kept him up for hours into the night.

But this was different. This wasn't something he'd said wrong or some creepy crawly that went bump in the night. It wasn't a last minute essay that he'd been putting off or even the fact that he was sure he'd memorized every little move that Evan Hansen's face could make. No not even that fact of life could keep him up like this anymore. Because he hadn't. Hours on end spent analyzing tiny quirks and shifts in features and similarities in reactions couldn't ever compare. This was something entirely new and he hated it.

Because right then Evan held no emotion whatsoever. It wasn't a resting face or a tired one. Not like when he'd been drained after a long day. Not like when he was so lost in thought reality was a blur. A blank canvas. Staring right at him with broken eyes that dug right into his soul. A feeling deep in his gut burned with the need to get that look to disappear and never return. The shattered and expressionless gaze that wouldn't go away. One he couldn't run from. A broken stare of someone who's hands wouldn't hesitate to crack the earth in two for a chance to let it all go. And while that in and of itself shook him to the bone, it was the worst thing he'd ever experienced, he could only move to walk away without thinking.

And then he did. He thought it over for hours. How he couldn't remember what his face looked like before it fell to that. Eyes that had seemed to pry deep into the thoughts he never dared to share stayed ingrained in his vision. An expression he'd never had the horror of seeing before in his life. And yet he knew that it had been there before. While he laid staring at the ceiling, with the dim glow of the plastic stars staring back and reflecting onto his empty gaze. While he sat on the bathroom floor able to do nothing but breath. While the last strings of a broken family drove off.

He wished he'd never seen it. Wished he'd never seen that broken stare. Wished he'd never had that awful conversation. Wished he'd never heard those few words. That he could take it all back. Back to when they were kids. Back to when things were simple and the only thing that mattered was being home before dark. All the jokes and the lies and the hiding and the fear and the shame.

Never in his life had he ever thought that a few words could wreck him so much. Three short words. They rattled his bones. Shook him down to the core. Broke him down to nothing but a silent figure staring on in terror. For once in his life he'd fallen silent. For once in his life he'd fallen still. The world became nothing but a background to his reality. For a quiet moment he let himself be scared. By the words, by the face, by the fact that he was letting his guard down and might never get it back, the fact that all of this was coming from someone he'd thought he'd memorized down to the core. Someone he knew. Someone he thought he knew.

"I let go."

That phrase would keep him up for hours into the late night. Into the early morning. Three short words that managed to turn his life around. Because now he had more things to keep him up at night. Now he knew what true terror was. It wasn't how he'd spent so long memorizing every feature of a face he could never admit to caring for. It wasn't that all that time had been for nothing as a new broken look took its place. And it wasn't the three short words that had shattered him into nothing. It was worse. It was more than all that together.

What had he looked like as he stood at the top of that tree? Was his face so utterly overridden with emotion that it could be seen from a mile away. Tears streaming down that just couldn't seem to stop. Face scrunched tight and a hand thrown over his mouth for good measure, a habit that he was never really sure where it came from. Entire body rattled to the bone as he took one last blurry glance down. Or was it empty? Was it the broken thing that had stared at him as he was hit with reality? No fear, no cries, no silent hopes or quiet goodbyes. Just that empty stare. Glazed over and sure as it was pushed that final stretch. Had he screamed on the way down or had an ounce of regret? Coming crashing down with tears still spilling and sobs still shaking his entire body. Or maybe he had gone down without a second glance. Eyes closed tight and determined to fade away from the world. When he finally hit the ground maybe he screamed in agony, or maybe he just laid there with that empty stare and watched the sun slip slowly down the horizon. Maybe like he'd said he had, he laid there under the tree waiting for someone, anyone, to come find him. Maybe his face was contorted into a sob while he curled into himself, still, as he was left to think to himself how he was still breathing, as his arm slowly went numb. Maybe he laid there flat and unmoving with thoughts going still except for how not a single human had stumbled by yet. Maybe he was forced to come to the realization that he was as alone as he believed. He picked himself off the ground and walked to the hospital by himself. Lungs still breathing. Heart still beating.

Maybe he had one regret just then. And maybe it was that he hadn't climbed higher.

This had successfully kept him up until three in the morning. Twisting back and forth on his mattress trying desperately to shut his brain off and get some well needed sleep. But it was obvious that wasn't happening. So he did the next best thing. He shoved his glasses onto his face, threw a thin hoodie on, and walked over to the house that had the very person keeping him up. Rather than use the door and probably wake up the only adult in the house he came around to the side and quietly pushed a window open. It wasn't a new concept either, he crawled through it into the bathroom like many times before. Only this time he had his phone as a flashlight. As quietly as possible he made his way down the hall and to his destination.

The door creaked as it opened but not loud enough to cause any problems. Now he didn't need to do any of this but there wasn't really a way to turn back. Instead he gently shook the boy still laying down to wake him. And while part of him was screaming to just tell him to get out of his head he sat quietly and shook the sleeping figure again. Evan finally stirred, twisting over to face him before sitting up with a questioning look. One that he knew without being able to see it. No light but the dull gleam of the moon through the window.

And he pulled Evan into a hug. Tight and secure as he buried his face deep into the shoulder of his nightshirt. He stopped paying attention to what was happening and only on the fact that he was crying. No, that wasn't the proper term. He was sobbing. Cries that shook his entire body, quiet but still soaking the fabric beneath him quickly. Never. Never in his life had he cried in front of someone out of emotion. Not fear not joy not even sadness. And yet here he was, openly sobbing into his best friend's shoulder. Yeah. Calling him a friend fit much better.

He became aware of Evan after what felt like forever. His hoodie was equally as soaked as he listened to the hushed reassurances. They were gonna be okay.

"Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even this month or this year," Evan whispered into his shoulder. "But we'll be okay." 


End file.
